Habitual

I was looking through older posts and saw something that I said I'd come back to, but never came back to. It was at the bottom of my list of Rules to Live By. 

If completing a job, an action, etc. is futile, don't do it.

This refers to my habit of dropping things if they start to seem not worth the effort. For instance, if I'm playing a competitive game with friends and doing very poorly at it, I'd rather drop out of the game than keep playing until I lose. If I'm trying to learn a new skill but just not picking it up, I'd rather forget about it than push myself to try.

And yet I call myself an overachiever. Quelle paradox. (No idea if that's correct French, and don't particularly care.)

I don't know why I do this. I don't know what my measurement values for Worth are, i.e. what makes an effort "worth it."

It seems, just from superficial analysis, that I quit when I know I can't win. Or at least, when I'm convinced that I can't win. I enjoy competing in fields where I feel competent, but I hate competing when my skill level is considerably lower than that of my opponents. This generally makes me a poor sport, and is probably why I never got involved in competitive sports.

Even playing games of Boccia with my family (not because we're bourgeouis, but because we're European) often turned sour when I realized I wasn't doing well. I started sulking, sometimes stormed off from the game, and often got a stern talking-to from my parents.

I guess I'm incapable of enjoying competition. I guess it's a superiority complex. I hate losing, and I don't see a point in finishing an activity or game if I know I'm just going to lose. I can't enjoy the experience for what it is. I can't just have fun with friends and family. I take all games and competition seriously.

Recently we rented the Sonic vs. Mario Olympics game for Wii. I started playing it and realized that I'm not very good at it because I'm just not that great with the motor skills required for video games, especially those that require me to do a different motion with each hand. So after playing it a few times I decided that it wasn't worth it to buy it, even though I could feasibly practice and get better.

I guess it comes down to that, too: I decide what things I'm willing to practice and get better at, and which ones I should quit while I'm behind. But that's in the long-term sense of things.

Why can't I enjoy a simple poker game if I'm losing all the bets? Why can't I go out with friends and play pool without getting mad when the game's not going well? (That said, I've noticed with pool that I play better when I'm angry.) Why can't I do anything without keeping score, even mentally? Why do I have to take everything so seriously, and get pouty when things don't go my way? I've never thought of myself as a competitive person, but now I see that's the opposite of the truth. I'm hyper-competitive. Everything is a competition.

My motivation is controlled by the thought of "Why bother?"
And if I can't find a satisfactory answer to that, then... I don't bother.