How can I help?

I tried to imagine someone actually walking up and asking me that. And it was hard. My imaginary self stared back at this person, mouth open but silent, caught off guard. If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's asking for help.

What do I need? And specifically, what do I need that someone else could help me achieve?

There are lots of little things that I could use. Car repairs. More money. More time. Someone to do my chores for me. Nicer weather. More sleep. More chances to see friends and family that haven't seen me in a while. Less doubt. Less distractions. Less conflict. Less drama.

But what do I need from another person?

In the end, it comes down to...

I need someone who will listen to me whine, bitch, vent, and otherwise complain about the world without judging, without saying that I'm exaggerating, without patronizing me.

I need someone who will reassure me when things are getting tough. I try to be as optimistic as I can, but when things are only getting worse, I will admit it's hard to keep the bright face on. Sometimes I do it for others, to make them feel better, to make them think I have confidence that I really lack. Sometimes I do it to trick myself into believing it even when I couldn't be more uncertain. (must.not.cry.at.work.)

I need someone around whom I can completely be myself. I don't need people who will judge me, or who I have to check my behavior around. Right now I can really only be me, whatever that is, when I'm completely alone.

I need someone who doesn't have any expectations of me, positive or negative.

I need someone who doesn't try to influence me toward their own side of the fence, their own direction; who just encourages me on the path I'm on and warns me when I look like straying.

I need an allweather friend. Consistency and dependability.

I need someone who will challenge me and remind me when I'm straying from my own path or doing something that is going to hurt me in the long run.

I need forgiveness.

I need advice. (I always find I give myself the best advice when I'm trying to advise other people. I only realize my own wisdom when others need it.)

I need intimacy, someone who will hear all of my dirtiest secrets without judging them or using them against me. Physical intimacy, too. No distance.

I need someone who won't call me emo when I relate with song lyrics and poetry and art more than I do with anything practical, pragmatic, and concrete.

I need gentle guidance.

I need someone who will adjust my perspective and give me periodic reality checks.

I need someone who will remind me not to bite off more than I can chew and maybe perform the Heimlich when I start choking.

I need a partner.

I need someone to sit on my shoulder and pinch me whenever I'm about to do something really really really really stupid or make a big mistake. I could have really used this about two years ago.

I need forgiveness.

And right now, thanks to trying to answer this question thoroughly, I need a hug.